the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
