I wanna bring you to show and tell
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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