I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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