I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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