i think my tv is drunk
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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