So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
How does one acquire holy water?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
