I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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