If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
