while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize