dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
