The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
