it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
