Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
