My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
