he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
