The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize