I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
