I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
