how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
