They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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