Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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