i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You made out with two different species that night
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
