I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
