He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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