so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
