His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
