forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
