Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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