if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have post one night stand depression
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