capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
