You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
