Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
