6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have tasted many bathrooms
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
