I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize