Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
