how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
tell me about the eggs
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
