Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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