I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
