My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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