Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
