he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You pole danced in your parka.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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