My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
