You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
