put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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