Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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