I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize