I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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