Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
