How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
