she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize