She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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