He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
