all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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