am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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