I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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