3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
