Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
