How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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