If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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