there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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