I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
