i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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