well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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