My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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