I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I need to sanitize my soul.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
